Committee Rubbish Tip's Towers
By Herbert Nesquick with Dr. Simon Shawdene November 2007
How the new towers at Northenden Tip may look
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Committee bosses have slammed proposals to erect two huge gas towers at Northenden tip - labelling the 18 metre green twin towers "monstrosities" before they have even been constructed, it is claimed.
Fuming local bigwig Colin Moanahan, 51, said the towers will be potential "explosive pathogen bombs" filled with disease-carrying biological agents, and they could explode at any time completely without warning – taking half of Northenden with them.
In a frenzied outburst published recently in the local press, pint-sized ex sports minister Mr Moynahan, who is a non-executive director of Burger King, seethed "These towers are going to be Super-sized Whoppers". He added that the towers will be heated to 57 degrees centigrade and that he feared a repeat of the Buncefield Oil Depot tragedy of 2005, when several completely different towers exploded, flame grilling half of Hampshire.
Government guidelines advise that the towers should be sited at least 250 metres away from local houses, at least 5 miles from the house of any MP and completely hidden from view of any local councillors - and that under no circumstances should they adversely affect the value of any councillors' houses and nor should the councillors be subject to any unpleasant odours at any time. Sources at Northenden Tip have told us that the rules are being adhered to. But a probe by Northenden Committee insiders has revealed a further government document warning of the explosive properties of pathogens. At a recent committee meeting it was noted that "Surely there must be a rule regarding the proximity of pathogens to my back yard. If not, we need one - and bloody quick."
Local waste disposal expert Jack "wheelie bin" McCack, 74, has lived in the area surrounding the tip all his life. He told us "it's complete nonsense that the towers will adversely affect the environment in any way. They won't just be green – they will be bright green with "GAS" in big white letters. These superb new towers will provide a much needed local landmark to really put Northenden on the map. They will be clearly visible from Gatley. When the mobile phone aerials go up, they might even be visible from Sharston. This will also generate money for the council from mobile phone companies. I'm certain it will be passed on to residents in the form of a council tax rebate."
Northenden.Net's resident celebrity historian Dr Simon Shawdene has delved into the archives to reveal the story of Northenden Tip throughout the ages. "The history of the tip is absolutely fascinating. It's been a central part of Northenden life since the middle ages when it was first established by pre-historic cavemen who could barely grunt – these people could not speak a single word of Mancunian. Somehow, through tremendously disadvantaged times of hardship and turmoil, these primitive dwellers managed to overcome disease, prohibitive climatic conditions and Irish workers building the M56 to bring local cavemen from Benchill somewhere to dump their old fridges. After many years effort, Northenden Tip was finally opened in 1209 by Alf Morris MP. Of course times change and the tip is no longer needed as a disposal facility for fridges, next door's garden will usually do – but it's still a place for people to meet and swap germs and stories of bygone times." |
Despite a recent allegation by local newshounds that the committee have been using the tip as a source of scaremongering stories of toxic chemicals, excessive local traffic, alien sightings and generally spreading ignorance, dust and disease, our mole on the committee today offered the following inside information on the story. He told senior journalists "F*** off Vernon, I'm not going on your crappy web page again, I'm not saying anything and I want to finish my pint so clear off."
Local tower expert Ben Lynott welcomes the proposals
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There are dark and mysterious undercurrents surrounding the committee and the tip however, according to some residents. Raising a finger knowingly to his nostril – and not just because of the stench of rotting domestic waste - Sharston conspiracy theorist Dave Shit, 24, told us "It is a well known fact that no-one wants to be on the committee because of all the backstabbing and massive egos. The reason they are making a scene about the tip is that they want to distance themselves from it whilst secretly using the chemicals in the towers to breed a three-headed mutant who can hold the post of Chairman, Secretary and Treasurer simultaneously. It would be completely impractical for them to stab each other in the back over who gets to be on the front of Concord next month".
Ben Lynott, pictured here with the towers, is a new resident who has recently moved with his family to Hollyhedge flats. Mr Lynott, a professional expert on towers, told us "The twin towers at the tip are fascinating and I am strangely drawn to them. Does anyone know where I can hire a plane."
- "Dr. Simon Shawdene's Definitive History of Northenden Tip" is available from all reputable bookshops in hardback and is currently being made into a major new series for Channel 4.