The Rose - A Forgery?
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Northenden man accused of running forgery operation
By Bernard Claptrap July 2005
An outcry over the content of a recent edition of a Labour Party newsletter has led to accusations that a local man has been running a forgery operation from secret headquarters on Kenworthy Lane, Northenden.
Residents of Kenworthy became suspicious after an edition of The Rose, a crappy photocopied newsletter, was delivered to their houses in July. According to householders, the content of the newsletter aroused suspicion because it contained little content of any value and did not therefore justify the cost of a full production run of the publication. Local resident Doris Stokes, a fully paid up member of the Social and Civic Societies and an avid reader of The Rose, told us:
"I read this magazine every time it comes out. It's a cracking read and has me on the edge of my seat for hours. Sometimes I am moved to tears by the heartbreaking gravity of the articles, or by the antics of my favourite Labour councillors. Other times, I am overcome with convulsions of side splitting laughter and have to call Dr. Goodman to give me my special blue pills."
So what's so suspicious about this edition, and why has it been linked to a forgery operation? Doris told us: "This time things were different. The story about the Liberal Democrats being a dishonest shower of charlatans had already been printed in the previous edition of The Rose (and about 600 editions of it before that - ed.) and I was also disappointed that an exclusive article about our archaeological dig had in fact already been published by vandals who sprayed it all over the motorway flyover wall. The article also says that the dig will be back next year. Surely the council would not sit on funding for the dig part 2 for a whole year, when there's important work which needs doing". On balance, it's fair to assume that the newsletter may not be the work of Labour Club - they would never waste money on something containing little content of any consequence and so many factual inaccuracies.
Labour were unavailable for comment however our technical analysts here at Northenden.Net have estimated that production costs for an average run of The Rose are likely to run to several tens of pence.
That "Rose" content in full
- A big article explaining that the Northenden Dig was a huge success and wasn't a waste of money which could have been used to tidy the village up.
- A slightly smaller article calling the Lib Dems a bunch of Liars.
- A small opinion chart ignoring the Lib Dems and showing the national picture, completely failing to point out that locally, the Lib Dems are well ahead of the Tories. Now I realise that the Labour Club know that 90% of the electorate are stupid... but this is getting a little bit too obvious guys - in fact it's bordering on taking the piss.
Local opinion is that such an obvious forgery could only be the work of one man. The finger of suspicion is therefore pointed firmly in the direction of website owner Vernon Reid - well known for his uncompromising journalistic style and in relentless persuit of the truth, crushing purveyors of publications such as "The Rose". From his council house on Kenworthy Lane Vernon told us "I did not forge that bloody newsletter. I don't waste time being self congratulatory. I am the best journalist in South Manchester, and I'm busy running Northenden.Net which is South Manchester's Best website. Now get off my bleeding phone."
Any doubt as to the authenticity of The Rose was quickly removed as actual Labour councillors were seen delivering the newsletter - a change from the usual procedure of sending it round with the bloke who delivers the flyers for the Sale Moor curry emporium.
Northenden Liberal Democrats were swift to react, publishing an edition of "The Northenden Focus" which attempts to set the record straight with a more accurate picture of the opinion polls - ignoring the Tories this time. That's more like it! Unfortunately however the Lib Dems weren't so quick off the mark with their article about the council cockup over the dig publicity. You will remember that the council paid for graffiti on the flyover wall, only for it to be hastily removed when red-faced bosses realised that subsidising vandalism with public money isn't such a good idea when you're supposed to be using that money to stamp down on it. Nice story but come on you Lib Dems, it appeared on Northenden.Net 2 months ago - ample time to learn how to spell "graffiti".