Cash and Criticism – Northenden Diary Winter 2007
Ho Ho, Bleeding Ho.
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So. Another Christmas rolls around and Ern and I have serious matters to discuss with you. In the news recently we've had to put up with yet more futile preening by our so-called leaders, this time in relation to crime and the environment. Now listen people. In the real world, crime is not a political football which can be used to score points from that nice Mr. Cameron (who?). In the real world, crime is something which affects us every day, and thanks to the long-term strategies of our current government, it's not going to be getting any better. In the real world, the environment is a place we have to live to the best of our abilities, not an excuse to tax pensioners out of every last penny. I fought in two world wars for you people you know.
Now. Some of you people may be aware that yours truly has been taking some right old stick over the past few months over my web site (before any more emails arrive, it's easy to find - you're already reading it ain't you.). First there's a stink after the committee meeting that I'm moaning too much and "not taking Northenden seriously" (despite raising the profile of the village worldwide with Manchester's Number 1 Website) and the only thing the committee can decide all night is to stop having the whip round in the social club to pay for the whole thing. Then, when I start working on the local rag again… I get even MORE stick for not updating the site – and thus not taking Northenden seriously! I can't bleedin win can I. So before any of you call me a whingeing old git, here's your bloody diary. Happy Christmas.
Come and have a go, I dare you.
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If you can't beat em... just run em over!
Some of you people out there will have observed the appearance on Kenworthy Lane of my shiny new jamjar sitting in the road. I've been fortunate enough for many years on the sick with my dodgy back to have a new BMW paid for every 2 years, but just recently I've been getting right cheesed off because no-one lets me out at junctions and with my bleedin doors getting keyed by local low life after closing every bloody Saturday night.
My solution? Upgrade the 5 series to the blooming great X5 Killer Truck you now see outside the front of my drum. It weighs a ton, does 3 miles to the gallon, and destroys everything in its path. Last week I loaded 14 wheelbarrows full of rocks and paving slabs into the thing when I built my new patio, and the engine didn't even notice. Never again will I suffer at junctions when some member of the proletariat in a Ford Fiesta refuses to let me out just because they are sick of every other BMW driver undertaking, tailgating and cutting them up on the motorway. Now I can just drive out of the junction and flatten the buggers. Sorted.
Yuppies deciding on venue for next booze-up
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Green Taxes! Bring It On!
As most of you people know Northenden.Net prides itself on being the most environmentally conscious website in Manchester bar none. All the staff here, myself especially, are fully aware of the value of green issues and we strive to give them all the attention that they deserve. But come on now, you people. There's surely no-one left in the country stupid enough to still think we can do something about climate change by giving more money to Mr Brown? Green taxes of course go straight into the money pit called Iraq, to ensure that the Yanks and the rest of the developed world can keep burning oil like it's going out of fashion. Now I don't know about you but something about that doesn't add up.
The new Manchester Congestion Charge though, is one green tax I am firmly in favour of. As a local tax, it goes towards local services and needy causes like my granddaughter Kirsty who is unemployed and expecting her second baby. It comes as a great comfort to me to know that all of those lazy yuppies paying just a few extra pounds a day to drive their Audis under the bridge at the end of Palatine Road, will be helping to ensure that Kirsty is top of the list for a council flat when she turns 16 next year. I'm so proud of the government for making it all possible. In fact I think I'm going to cry.
Adam B. Filming The Latest Northenden Epic
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Northenden Films - The Sequel
Now. Most of you people will have been avid readers of my thoughts for many years, and you are all most enlightened by my all-knowing knowledge. Not to mention my excellent series of Northenden Films which were filmed by Adam, Lee and Vinnie and made an appearance in 2004. It's amazing what a transformation can be made to certain comings and goings on Palatine Road with a little smear of Vaseline on the lens.
However when that fat lazy mound of lard Lee Cavanagh decided not to work on the site any more, and Big Vinnie got another stretch for the Parrs Wood Cash Office Job (He had nothing to do with it) we had to stop making the films because of technical issues – as a successful film producer, I need skivvies and lackies to do all the work. Who's going to do it? Not me - I'm on sick benefit you know, because of my dodgy back.
Now some of you people out there are aware that there is a huge demand for bringing back the films. Modern technology may well end up saving the day here – as it turns out that this bleedin mobile phone may actually have a use after all. So as soon as I've found someone who can work it, you people can all start watching this space for some serious filth. Kushti.
British Legion Before Demolition
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For we are many
Now. I am not happy, you people. You know why? My brother Ern lives at Royle Green and he's got a lot of mates living in the retirement flats next door to the British Legion. First of all, he loses his favourite pub with the best karaoke night in the whole road. Then his second favourite pub gets closed down and someone rings Dial-A-Bloody-Arsonist who take care of it.
Now, just when things are starting to settle down with Big Ern and his mates from next door getting used to drinking at the Legion, they close that down "temporarily" (how can you demolish a building temporarily?) and there are now rumours of guess what – another massive block of yuppie flats! If the rumour is true, it's just what we need. The worst kind of yobboes (i.e. the suited, salaried variety) polluting my bloody eardrums with earth shattering techno music at 3am. And despite assurances that the club house will be rebuilt, they call this progress! Let's hope these rumours are nothing more than rumours - but if they do turn out to be true, at least we'll know where there's a large group of lazy yuppies all in one place. Hmm, now where's that phone number for Dial-A-Bloody-Arsonist…
It's Wheelie Good!
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Refuse Facilities Are Fine
Now. Several of you people out there have collared me in the legion and asked me to put your minds at rest over the proposals to fine anyone who leaves their bin in the wrong place or puts it out on the wrong day. There has been a degree of hysteria over these plans and tales of £100 fines plus prison sentences for overfilling your bin. Let's get this in perspective and all calm down a bit. I have had a discussion with Labour Club representatives who have assured me that none of the points listed below are true:
- No-one is going to prison as all prisons are full of yuppie tax fraud types.
- The fines will not be anywhere near £100 – they are more likely to be around an affordable £40.
- You can reduce your bill for weight of rubbish by simply using your neighbour's bin without telling them.
- If you receive a fine for leaving your bin in the wrong place, simply blame your neighbours for moving it. You will then be taken to court where you are free to re-iterate your protest before being fined.
- If you are fined for leaving your bin in the road when the council fail to turn up and collect it, you are entitled to complain in writing – but don't expect a reply.
So come on people, stop whingeing. It really isn't an excuse to leave your bin in the street simply because the council may or may not bother to collect it. And even if you get fined £100, so what? It's a small price to pay for the refuse collection - these people do a fantastic job and the service is actually getting better not worse. Also, just remember that some of the money from fines also goes to a good cause – it pays for my daughter's flat and her single parent allowance.