Police Action on Yobs - Northenden Diary, Summer 2007
Over the last couple of months, those of you who have been able to reach your front doors through the avalanche of self-congratulatory council and Labour Club leaflets to leave the premises, may have noticed an increased police presence in the village. We have an increased number of police on foot, surveillance and video units, and have even had mounted police (on horses, kids, ok?).
Police Interviewing Victims of Crime
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No time has been wasted getting action out of the extra coppers either. Recently a spate of early morning raids, attended in the most part by no less than 12 of the constabulary, have taken place on the houses of several children in Northern Moor and Kenworthy. Amongst these children, three have ASBOs, two have electronic tags and all have been previously cautioned by police. The raids were allegedly looking for drugs however, a large number of stolen items including satellite navigation systems could have been recovered… by looking in the next room. Oops! Encouraging start though, and the constabulary should keep up the good work despite legally being unable to dish out the kind of justice that the parents of these kids require. The kids themselves, of course were released by tea time and were soon harassing motorists on Yew Tree Lane again. But they did get a stern ticking off - and quite possibly a pat on the head from their parents too...
Stop Press – New Labour Hug A Hoodie!
Since I wrote the above article, there have been numerous developments including yet more ASBOs issued to kids in Northenden as well as various yobs sent away to detention centres in a land far away (Nottingham, we're told). One child is even the subject of an exclusion order – requested by his own mother (no, I have not made this part up). This seems to have reduced car crime in the area, however despite the removal of a one-kid crime wave, this might not last too long – some of his gang-mates have been witnessed breaking into houses in Northenden and Northern Moor and, despite personal intervention by "concerned" politically affiliated persons who shall remain nameless, are still at large. And you all thought it was only Tories who want to "hug a hoodie".
Roundwood Road In The Rush Hour
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Northenden Congested
Now. As a quality journalist who is in touch with my readership, I know that most of you people out there don't drive. And why should you, when we've got such a good system of public transport through the village which is available free of charge for pensioners, immigrants and students – I'm told it's only snooty-faced professional types who bother buying tickets – serves them right for lending the second Audi to the wife and then complaining that the bus is full of scum!
So, what's the relevance of the congestion charge? It is a common misconception that money creamed from the pockets of whingeing professionals who work in town, will be put towards helping the environment. Listen people, the environment is a lost cause. The planet has already been through two cycles of so-called "Climate Change" before the first men walked on it. There is nothing we can do about climate change, and the best way forward for mankind is to learn to live with it. The creators of the congestion charge are fully aware of this. Incidentally, I have to tell you people that Climate Change is a current phenomenon on Mars, where there are no Audi drivers at all – although I'm open to suggestions as to which planet some drivers these days actually are on!
So where's the money from the congestion charge going, if "saving the planet" is a lost cause? The answer deserves special recognition and not to be swept under the carpet – because what the press will not tell you is that it's being put straight back into our community to improve life for us all. Consider my granddaughter Kirsty who until recently has struggled in her application for a council house despite being pregnant with her second child. Extra funds from schemes like the congestion charge are enabling new housing to be built and happily for Kirsty, she should be allocated a new house on her sixteenth birthday. This is a direct result of schemes such as the congestion charge – it should be celebrated, not covered up as "saving the environment" or some such pointless rubbish, and it's about time the government and council stood up proudly and took a bow – and some of the credit. Nice one.
Campaign for the Undoing of Narcissistic Tendencies
Regular readers of northenden.net will know that Labour Club's shameless self publicity campaign is a complete laugh. The mind boggles at how they publish leaflet after leaflet with every article and photograph an opportunity for some councillor or other to promote themselves.
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I'm pleased to report therefore, that labour club are now running a so-called "blog" (click here but we disclaim all responsibility for damage to your collective bellies) which is so narcissistic, that it's hilarious. It's taken a lot of hard work - most of the articles and pictures of the articles' authors seem to have been submitted in the small hours of the morning. This is certain to spark a self-publicity war with downmarket, lesser known political pressure group "The Liberal Democrats" – although I've not found any Lib Dem propaganda recently, under the mountain of self congratulatory leaflets from Northenden Labour Club. Makes me wonder who pays for it all! Could it be some generous anonymous benefactor whom "none of us have ever met or have any knowledge of"?
We can't let this shameless self indulgence in the name of Toytown politics slip by without some response. So, this month's competition is to come up with the most suitable and memorable name for Northenden.Net's new drive to remind local councillors that they aren't, in fact, God. At the moment we're calling it "Campaign for the Undoing of Narcissistic Tendencies". If you can improve on this, let us know. Closing date is end of February 2008.
Come on, you Lib Dems!
I don't know if it's the same in other parts of Northenden, but certainly where I live, the publicity balance is firmly in favour of Labour - Lib Dems are either slipping generally or maybe they aren't concentrating so hard on publicity. This is a shame because The Lib Dem Blog is a far superior product to the Labour one; better written, better looking and not nearly so narcissistic. So come on you Lib Dems, let's see some publicity for it.
Vinnie Watches Training at Gym
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Violence is not the answer, people.
Now. I have received several emails recently having a right old go at yours truly for moaning about kids pulling bricks out of my garden wall and doing my conservatory windowwith them. Now listen people, I refuse to apologise for this. I know who these kids are and where they live, and one of them was recently involved in a fracas in Church Road in which a friend of mine was almost blinded with the blunt end of a sawn-off. If he wasn't a mate of my grandson Wayne, I'd do him myself with the blunt end of my baseball bat – and his delinquent father for good measure.
But as my regular readers will know, I am a pacifist and VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER PEOPLE.
I am therefore extremely pleased that an effective solution to problems like these has been identified in Labour Club's electioneering propaganda. The root cause of the problem of mindless violence perpetrated by teenage yobs is nothing more than boredom – for some unfathomable reason, it seems that parents these days aren't interested in their own kids. It's completely beyond me. I can't imagine any possible Benefit in having a kid and letting them run riot unchecked. Can you? However I digress, but I'm thrilled that the cause of delinquent behaviour has been identified and several schemes are underway to give the kids something to do. Perhaps such schemes will be complemented by an incentive scheme to encourage parents to participate in parenting. Can anyone think of a way that this could be done whilst saving taxpayers' money too?
Big Vinnie MacLeish - Action Not Words
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Whinge, Whinge, Whinge!
I read recently in our excellent local paper The South Manchester Reporter that there's been more whingeing about people from outside Northenden using the tip because the Didsbury and Nell Lane tips have been closed down. Shouldn't we be grateful that we've got possibly the best tip in South Manchester so close by? Shouldn't we be applauding the council for working with the contractors to improve the facilities and cope with increased amounts of waste and traffic in and out? It seems not. It seems like we're all just moaning our heads off in press instead of seeing the positive side.
I for one will have less to moan about when committee members stop looking for things to moan about in the local press and actually start doing something about it – for example, damage to the wing mirrors on my bleeding BMW recently. Did I moan about it to get my mug in the local rag? No. I quietly instigated, with my godson Vinnie, an extremely successful project, inspired by the local constabulary's "Operation Salamander". The aim of our initiative being to swiftly and effectively reduce antisocial behaviour of this sort in Kenworthy Lane. I called it "Operation Big Vinnie's Baseball Bat". Sorted.
Computer Hackers in Northenden
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Hackers at large in Northenden
Now. Just when you thought it was safe for serious journalists of a certain age to start using the internet to educate the masses, some young upstart (who should know better) thinks it's clever to saboutage the guestbook on our sister website, northenden history dot com or whatever it is.
I'd never read such a lot of unoriginal, self-serving drivel - which went unnoticed by the editors of the site - but how many of you people out there know a septagenarian who reads Viz for pity's sake!
Help was however at hand in the form of one Vincent Macleish who identified the offending messages, and tracked down the sender whose bosses acted swiftly to solve the problem. Well done Vinnie and when you're out of er, hospital, we'll buy you a pint if there are any pubs still open.