Northenden In Bloom
Hanging baskets outside Barrow Motors
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Updated June 10th 2005
Right. First up this month is the highly publicised Northenden In Bloom campaign. It doesn't matter which way you turn, you can't miss the flower boxes and hanging baskets, like the ones shown in our photograph here outside Barrow Motors. As you can see, it raises Palatine Rd from just another suburban street to the envy of the entire North West.
What really interests me though is the grass verges across most of the area which have been dug up seemingly in preparation for something to be planted - but what? I hope it's more free roses from the council! I wonder if they've got a special discount agreement with Alan Titmarch? As you can probably imagine I'm keeping a keen eye out for developments because so far I've only managed to bag half a garden full. It's not going to be easy either. Ern and I have got a bet going on how long after planting it will be before the kids have removed the whole lot and reinstated their bike scrambling arena...
Northenden.Net Rose Garden
Northenden.NET Rose Garden
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Now. Some of you people will know that Northenden.Net has been provided with a transit van full of roses by the council, as a deterrent to burglars wearing T-shirts and short trousers (plenty of those round here especially in the summer holidays). You can read about how we got them further down the page in last month's excellent article entitled "Plant a Rose in the bin".
In spite of their immeasurable generosity however, the council have overlooked the fact that we don't need roses for protection against vicious hardened criminals - we're completely tooled up with baseball bats and shotguns to deal with this sort of low-life. Now. I don't want you people getting the idea that I'm not grateful for the council's kind gift. We put some serious thought into finding a radical, innovative, and some might suggest entirely appropriate use for the roses. I've got my godson Vinnie round and he's planted the buggers in the flower bed where they are doing quite nicely. It seems a shame not to take full advantage of this opportunity to improve our environment so I've already been down the benefits office with a claim for 15 gallons of Baby Bio. Sorted.
Competition (well, sort of)
There was no winner of last month's competition to win Vern's old cooker. Consequently it's still in his back garden. Vinnie MacLeish has however promised to get it shifted soon - into next door's front garden. I'm through with inconsiderate neighbours, bleeding Mantovani on full blast at 3 o'clock in the sodding morning.
This month, we've got some freebies to give away from Blair's recent visit to Wythenshawe. It seems that locals who wanted to ask serious questions couldn't get near, whilst members of the "general public" were bussed in to praise the sterling work done by the NHS. The rest of us were fobbed off with keyrings and signed photos which we're giving away. We won't be setting a competition because we can't be bothered. We'll give them away to the first email we get explaining just why you want these disgusting examples of shameless nonchalance.
Village Fete Packs 'Em In
The Crown Inn
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Northenden Village Fete
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Updated June 9th 2005
Last Saturday I was fortunate enough to be invited to the Northenden Village Fete. This is usually an exclusive event with strict entry restrictions, and a large number of you may have been trying to get into the church rooms without success. In the interest of reporting important village events, Northenden.Net journalists took up position early in the day, in The Crown Inn. From here the entrance to the Church Rooms are clearly visible. For those of you who weren't lucky enough to get into the fete, here's what you missed:
11 am - A nice pint of John Smiths.11.30 am - Another nice pint of John Smiths
11.50 am - Another pint and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. 12.00 pm - Lee Cavanagh rolls up to take some pictures.
12.15 pm - Ethel Birkinshaw arrives with some food to dish out.
12.20 pm - Ern sneaks into church rooms behind Ethel. Lee is not allowed into the church rooms after vociferously informing all present that he is an atheist. Lee returns grinning to the pub.
1 pm - Ern has eaten about 15 cakes, half an apple pie and a large slice of Melton Mowbray pork pie. So far however, the vicar has not allowed Ern anywhere near the parish karaoke machine. Somewhere in the distance, Aled Jones heaves a sigh of relief.
1.05 pm - Back to the Crown Inn for a skinful.
Sometime between 3pm and 7.30pm - Lee remembers to take a photograph.
7.30 pm - Ern forgets where he's left his motorbike and disappears. Lee goes to the chippy for dinner.
Currys off the menu - Fancy a MacDonalds?
Updated April 24th 2005
No, we don't sell Currys...
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Curry's has been closed only a couple of weeks, and already rumours are going round the village that a fast food chain are interested in the site.
If it is true, it's not surprising - there is a definite gap in the market down here. Northenden has, at present, NO drive-thru facilities, putting it behind Baguley, Didsbury and Mersey Bank in the fast food pecking order. A serious problem for all the chavs we've got living round here. Some of them, it is understood, have requested the council to move them to housing nearer to Baguley because Baguley has a MacDonalds drive-thru and Northenden doesn't. Ouch. Such a facility in Northenden is therefore clearly an urgent requirement. It is not, however, likely to be given any serious consideration by the Manchester City Council McDonalds Drive-Thru Liaison Committee during the run-up to an election, especially with a Labour seat as safe as this. We hear, in fact, that the Manchester City Council McDonalds Drive-Thru Liaison Committee may have been short-listed for some post-election staffing cuts, and it's even possible that it will be absorbed into the Greater Manchester Council McDonalds Drive-Thru Liaison Focus Group, which was established in 1986.
Whilst on the subject of Curry's, you may have read our brilliant article on the sad closure of our penultimate consumer goods emporium. This month's competition is in honour of the store. We want you to tell us simply, what do you think should be done with the premises? Send in your answer by email, to the usual contact address. Most original answer wins a super prize, which is, appropriately, Vern's old cooker. You've got to come and get it out of his back garden yourself, though.
Peace and quiet? On yer bike.
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"Operation Motorbike" - Update
Updated April 20th 2005
Now. Some of you people may be aware that I'm getting a bit brassed off with hordes of uncontrollable kids running riot up and down my bleeding road all week on motorbikes. Never mind the fact that I'm sure they should be at school, we can forget about that for the minute, especially as I wasn't too fond of going to school myself. Despite my somewhat deficient education however, I still take exception to these inconsiderate halfwits endangering peoples' lives racing these unlicensed, untaxed and in some cases stolen machines, up and down my road.
I would like to be able to say that either the "100 day challenge", the new Kenworthy Lane motorcycle barrier (wherever it is/was), or Labour's highly publicised pre-election clampdown "Operation Motorcross" have improved matters, but as our photos show, the problem is clearly getting worse. Recently attempts have been made to stop kids riding scrambling bikes all over Wythenshawe Park, but that's just one facet of the problem - NEDs like the one in our picture regularly break the speed limit up and down Kenworthy Lane, Homewoood Road and Yew Tree Lane with no tax, insurance, or crash helmet. The boy in our photograph thinks a beanie hat is good enough. So, what is being done to stop parents allowing their kids to do this? Bugger all, that's what - we should be fining them, stopping benefits and generally finding other ways of making them accountable for failing to bring their kids up properly. Maybe it's too late though.
Plant a Rose - in the bin
Updated April 5th 2005
The best place to plant a "Rose"
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With crimes against property on the increase, some of you people may recently have had your premises forcibly entered by burglars and sundry other low-life. Mine was recently forcibly entered by a tree through my bleeding roof, and that was bad enough! But those of you who've been on the wrong end of a crowbar through your back door, really have my sympathy. Which is why I was ecstatic to hear that the council were working on an initiative to empower the humble householder - allowing him to ward off all comers, be they mad, bad, armed, dangerous or all four! What is it then? Guns? Baseball bats? Surely not coppers on the beat, surely?
Unfortunately not I'm afraid. We are now entitled to free Rose Bushes to stop thieves getting into our gardens. My first thought was maybe the age of the average burglar is now so low, their short trousers won't stop their legs getting scratched on the way through. Some of you however, may be wondering how's a rose bush going to stop some 6 foot knuckle-dragger armed with a brick. If you're wondering about that, how short-sighted of you! Well done though, if you spotted the way it's going to work - clearly the burglar will be overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, he'll be waiting in your garden overcome by the fragrant aromas for 6 hours whilst you navigate your way through the Police National Switchboard and report him.
Now. Some of you people may be aware that the northenden.net team are extremely adept in the security field. Ern and I strongly recommend that you visit these two links here - which will help you ensure that you're aware of sensible security measures against burglary and identity theft - which far too many of you people these days are ignorant of.
Click here for a nice security questionnaire
And here's a nice american site with plenty about identity fraud
Sorry people but the American site is great, and completely appropriate - thanks to our wonderful education system, gangsta rap and the media, most of our kids now think England is a state of the USA. Unfortunately, they're virtually right.
Don't bother with free roses - there are none left. Ern and I just been down the Forum and bagged a transit van full of free flowers and we won't be using them for security!! In any case, anyone trying to get into my house will get either shot, or beaten beyond recognition with a baseball bat. So if you still want to plant roses, our picture shows a much more worthwhile way of doing it. Nice one.