Congestion Charge - Didsbury Snobs "To be hit hardest"
Ecstatic Locals Looking Forward To Congestion Charge
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By Herbert Nesquick & Dan Rich June 2007
Earlier this year, it was announced that Manchester Council are proposing to implement a congestion charge similar to the successful London congestion charge scheme, introduced by political heavyweight and Northenden.Net hero, Ken Livingstone. Despite the obvious pedigree of the scheme however, it has met opposition from some Northenden residents.
A petition has been started, with deluded campaigners ranting "We don't want the congestion charge in Manchester. We dont need it. Stop being greedy with money and think of other ways. You should be happy you have the taxes from the Casino bid accepted. We pay annual taxes in the Road Fund Licence, and in the charge for an MOT.
"We pay tax every time we put petrol into our cars. We pay tax every time we have our cars serviced, every time we make small repairs to our vehicles, and every time we have our cars repaired. We pay tax every time we buy a new vehicle. We pay Insurance Premium Tax every time we insure our vehicles (and this is a legal requirement). Enough is Enough."
Northenden.Net has also learned that a smear campaign against the council is underway, claiming that a leaflet outlining the congestion proposals featured quotes from pictured individuals praising the congestion charge proposals, which turned out the be fabricated and the people themselves turned out to be models from an American agency. We're not convinced about this, as it's entirely feasible that the people pictured (above) in the Council brochure really would look this happy about the prospect of being billed an extra £6 per day on top of everything else, to drive their cars.
We were passed on information from a BBC news story reporting on these scandalous claims by seriously misguided individuals who oppose the congestion charge, which is a good idea:
PR Firm Executive Krystyna Kwiatkowski
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"Transport bosses have admitted using fake residents to promote a proposed congestion charge in Manchester"
"Terry", said to be a self-employed van driver from Rochdale in the leaflet, was identified as 22-year-old model Erich Dalke from Seattle.
[The PR Firm] (initially) said the identities of the local people involved had been changed to "protect privacy". However, the firm later admitted the examples given were not genuine people at all, and that no-one had been interviewed or surveyed to compile the leaflet.
Asked why no real people were interviewed for the case studies, she said: "Nobody is paying it at the moment and it is impossible to interview anybody about that."
As if this frankly embarrassing stream of complete rubbish wasn't enough, the anti-charge campaign veers outrageously into the realms of the just plain ludicrous, seething:
"We don't need a congestion charge. What we should be doing is making public transport efficient, affordable and suitable for all commuters to use. De-incentivise road offenders by ramping up fines and imposing hard labour on those unlicenced, untaxed, uninisured and illegal drivers, most of whom probably can't even speak a word of English."
Clearly these people are misguided, possibly insane, and indisputably making sensationalist claims. As Northenden's premier website we feel concerned when our citizens are unhappy about the scheme for some reason or another and therefore we instagated an independent evaluation, similar to the council's, to set readers' minds at rest.
First of all, let's get the facts in perspective. The congestion charge will charge commuters crossing a boundary between the inner and outer suburbs, the fee of £4. For those who cross a boundary between the inner suburbs and the city centre, there will be an extra charge of £2, meaning a total charge of £6. We are informed that the charges will only be incurred during peak hours and a motorist cannot incur more than the full amount per day. Research suggests that by the time the cameras and computers are installed, £6 won't buy a pint of milk - so the charge will, in real terms, be so cheap it's actually ludicrous.
Nevertheless, concern has been voiced by Northended residents because the outer boundary being used is the M60 which as we all know, crosses Northenden at the Mersey. Therefore anyone driving under the flyover at the end of Palatine road during peak times will be billed £4.
We appreciate that the boundary has to be somewhere. Things aren't so bleak for Northenden however and proper consideration of the facts reveals the position of the boundary as a blessing. Research into traffic through Northenden at peak times, shows that most of the Northenden residents crossing the line during peak times are school kids and students, the majority of whom take the bus. Surprisingly there are a high number of motorists sneaking along Palatine Rd from snooty-nosed areas such as Baguley and Timperley and even more shockingly hundreds of drivers heading South from Didsbury.
Plumber Dave Shit From Cretien Road
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Clearly, the congestion charge is a good idea and will not only benefit the planet, potentially reversing climate change but it will enable huge sums of money to be pumped back into the community, enriching all our lives. We interviewed some genuine, real people, who are not made up, and whose pictures are absolutely not off-the-shelf stock photos of models which we've pasted onto another picture of the Legion. These real people have actual feelings on the congestion charge - we haven't made any of it up this morning sitting with my laptop in the Lounge About at all, oh no. We also present some tips of our own to help the small number of undecided individuals recognise the scheme's worth and embrace this cutting edge, modern way of life which will help protect us all from armageddon of our own device.
Dave Shit, a longterm incapacity benefit plumber from Chretien Road - which is virtually on top of the boundary - told us "There's something particularly satisfying in knowing that it's Didsbury snobs who will be hit by Northenden's congestion charge. This brilliant new charge should be celebrated by the village. Greater Manchester Labour Council should be congratulated as they have finally found a foolproof way of getting these stingy yuppie types to save the planet".
The charge is intended to encourage people to adopt a greener lifestyle. Small changes can make a big difference. Here are some top suggestions from Northenden.Net's celebrity environmental correspondent Daniel Hooper:
- Why drive to Tesco in Baguley when you can ring them up and get them to bring your groceries round in their delivery van? By insisting that they deliver at peak times, you're also helping the environment by encouraging supermarkets to pay the congestion charge!
- Why bother driving into town to go shopping? Simply do it on the internet (after you've read Northenden.Net of course). This will completely avoid the congestion charge.
- Don't go to Civic to sign on at the DSS. Get them to set up a standing order into your current account, and ring them up on signing on day, telling them you're sick. Instant saving of £4 and you can prosecute in Europe if they don't do what you say.
- Don't drive to pubs in Didsbury to see how the other half live! This will cost you £4 on top of your ale. Walk to Booze busters instead - £4 will buy you an extra four pack of Carlsberg and simply go home and watch half an hour of any american soap opera on Sky.
- If you must drive, you can help the council save the planet by sticking some paper over your number plate thus saving them the expense of paying Accenture around £2000 per contractor per day to track you down (in a Ferrari) and collect your £4.
We would like to thank Daniel for his top tips. Now there's one man who definitely isn't out of his tree.
Single Mum of 6, Waynetta McCacken
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Waynetta McCacken, a single mother of 6, also of Cretin Road, told us "I'm all for saving the planet. I feel safe in the knowledge that the planet is now completely safe thanks to the congestion charge and that there will be no global warming caused by irresponsible human actions like driving to work at a stockbrokers on Deansgate, whatever that is." Waynetta added "Actually I dont mind paying the charge once in a while. But there's really no need for me to even leave the house at peak times I have a carefully optimised flexible working pattern which means I can stay in bed. And the benefits office is open from 8 til 4 with a 24 hour helpline".
A source close to Labour Club told us "I'm surprised anyone round here even bothered to look at how the leaflet was produced. It sounds like a vindictive action on the part of someone who wouldn't vote labour anyway we spent a huge amount of money on research before we even considered printing the leaflet, to ensure that further public money wouldn't be wasted on something that would lose us votes. As expected, it's mostly people who work for a living. So we're pressing ahead with the project." Local journalist and community campaigner Ernest Reid, himself a motorist, commented "Come on people, stop moaning. It's all in a good cause. A few more quid a day. Just think you'll be saving the planet so your kids will have somewhere nice to live which isn't spoiled".